I know I'm a bit out of the entertainment loop, but I've been busy and I live in the middle of nowhere. And movies in Japan are expensive. It costs about 17 US dollars to go to a flick at the mall. The little theatre in the forrest in Yasuda is probably cheaper, but I worry a bit that it might not be playing English films, which would be okay if difficult, and more that I might get murdered on my way back through the jungle after the picture, which would not be okay.
Anyhoo, so I rented the Avengers and spent all of my daikyuu time watching Mark Ruffalo apologize for being emotionally unavailable and listening to the cheesiest dialogue I've heard since Adam West commended the dolphin who gallantly sacrificed itself in front of that torpedo so Batman and Robin could save the world from the Yellow Submarine (or however that one went - Pow! Bam!).
Nay! That was not a slam against the comic cohort of assembled avengers! That was just the third paragraph. I really liked the movie and thought the dialogue was a compilation of all the things you wished they would say, especially Tony Stark's conversation pieces, but that usually get left out of movies. Like all the actors knew they had to take it seriously, but not too seriously or they might not be able to face themselves in the mirror when it was all over.
I'm trying to figure out a way to work the movie into my sixth-grade class. They'd love it and it would make English MUCH more applicable to them.
So a list of things I've learned:
Do all your banking online. Never go to the bank. Ever.
Captain America can’t always be
there to save your ass when you’re cashing your pension check. (And if you
happen to live in Gotham, just never leave your house. Unless you’re
moving.)
As long as we're on that one, just don't ever live in New York City. Yeah, it sounds romantic and wonderful, but let's face it. It's always the first to go, whether from the bad guys (see ID4, King Kong, etc...) or from friendly fire (see Failsafe).
Learn English. Because that’s the only language in which
your alien attackers will bother to speak to you no matter what country you
inhabit. They will assume you know it and will get irrationally pissed if you don't instantly kneel when they demand this of you.
Get a headset and NEVER be without it. Girls, we’re lucky,
most of us can hide it in our hair. Boys, go get yourselves helmets or
super-hero masks, while you’re out there getting the headset. Nobody wants to
be the last to the alien-destroying party and there is simply NO TIME to
speed-dial your cell.
If you happen to prefer distance-killing (as opposed to
hand-to-hand combat) figure out life’s cheat code for arrows and bullets.
Legolas isn’t the only one who never runs out. Hawkeye obviously googled that
one before he went to work for S.H.I.E.L.D and where Agent Romanov stores the
extra cartridges on that uniform, well, I’m too much of a lady to ask, but as a lady, I
have some ideas.
If you happen to be human and you have access to a
super-suit, make sure all the other parts of your domicile are easily breakable
and non-body-damaging. Because when the evil demi-god from planet F-ing Nowhere
throws you headfirst through your plate-glass windows, you are going to get
your face cut off, unless it’s that candy-glass they use for stunts in
Hollywood. Especially if the super-suit launch is a tad delayed.
Thanks, Jarvis.
Always carry a knife and don’t go out without your cover.
Okay, I learned those from Gibbs, but they're totally applicable here.
Learn to fly a jet. If you don’t have access to a jet, just
learn to fly a regular non-commercial aircraft of any form. This will allow you to fly top-secret-state-of-the-art-paid-for-by-your-tax-dollars military grade aircraft. You bought it and if you break it, hey! Uncle Sam will buy you another.
If you're looking for trouble, you might try Budapest or Marrakech. Because that is where all the fun stuff happens.
And if you absolutely must live in NYC or any of those other cities constantly besieged by alien forces, get to the gym but quick! Being ripped will be the single defining factor in whether you survive the fallout or get shredded like cheddar cheese over a taco in the next war of the worlds. Don't worry so much about your lower body, if you're a gentleman. The super-hero physique is an upside down triangle for men. Focus on your biceps and pecs; this was the only movie I've ever seen in which almost every male character had boobs as big as the female characters' (boobs).
I watched the damn thing about five times today. Itunes really messes with you over this whole 24-hour expiration thing. That should be my super-power, actually. The ability to magically keep rented movies in my itunes library forever for the price of the rented picture. Will ask Mr. Stark about it...
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